HEALING IS NOT LINEAR. heAlINg Is NoT LiNeAR. Healing is not linear!!!!!!!!!!!! “Healing is not linear” is definitely something I have learned the hard way in the last 3 years I've been on my healing journey. I have had so many ups and downs since having my severe menty b in 2021. I have had many close calls or thoughts like, “Is it happening again?” because unfortunately, my thoughts get dark when I am not feeling well. Because I've gotten to a rock bottom state before, I’ve learned how the brain does not forget anything and I’ve re-lived similar feelings from 2021. What is so cool though is how malleable our brains are. We can RECOVER from serious brain trauma and snap back to being in a normal state way faster when we learn how to take care of ourselves. I’ve had to learn how to seriously take care of myself – making sure I take my meds, getting enough sleep, making sure my nutrition and exercise are happening and going well.
I’m gonna be real– I have failed many times with everything I have said that I need to do to feel good. I’ve had a few~ “experiments” going off my meds because I start feeling good and think I don't need them anymore, but then the meds metabolize out of my body, and ope I’m at square one again. The lesson here is that wow medications do actually help and if you think you’re okay– they’re just doing their job! What a concept! OK so yes I’ve been off my meds from time to time in the last few years and seriously have finally learned my lesson. Also, my sleep has wavered from time to time but I can gladly say that I get about 8-10 hours every night. My roommates can attest that I make my way to bed no later than 10p! Lastly, nutrition/exercise is always an uphill battle for me. Unfortunately when I’m upset my appetite disappears and I forget that exercising has famously always made me feel better more emotionally than even physically. Basically what I’m trying to say is - HEALING IS NOT LINEAR!
I am really, really happy to report that I think my healing journey is all really making sense to me right now and clicking and I feel as though I am healed….???? What is making me feel this way is 1) I'm finding thinking and talking about my trauma extremely boring. I think I'm just so much more than my hardships and 1) not everyone needs to hear about it and 2) there are more exciting and beautiful things to talk and think about !! 2) (this one's funny) I am finally letting my hair grow out and letting my natural curls run free. This is kinda of a big deal to me because for the last 3 years any time there's a change in my life or I'm upset I either: chop my hair, dye it, or get bangs. LIKE! Not to boast or anything but my hair is my favorite physical attribute and I've just been doing everything I can to use my hair as a means for change when I can't actually change my circumstances. WOW, what a realization! Ok continuing, 3) I’m feeling like things that have bothered me are not what I want to be focusing on. I feel like my mindset has finally shifted. Talking about drama is also really boring to me! I want to do my part to be the best person I can be in general but also in every situation and interpersonal relationship. IDK! I just feel so much better right now.
I’m gonna say it again — healing is not linear so I’m not naive – I know I'll feel low again. However, I think I'm way better equipped to handle any lowness because I am using my tools and I've done so much work in and out of therapy. Learning and actively choosing to feel better. My worst depression symptom is wallowing in my sadness and not trying to get out of it – but ON GUARD BITCH - I’m so over that! I’m more aware and more proactive. I’ve learned so much about myself, my friends and family, and the world in the last 3 years. I am so very proud of myself right now. In all seriousness, it has been really scary at times having my brain, but I feel in a good spot, which feels deeply gratifying.
It's been 3 years since all hell broke loose and I'm gonna continue telling and updating my story. I think it’s important to be open about mental health because awareness is everything. It is suicide prevention month and it is so important to me that we globally recognize how prevalent of an issue suicide is. It is still taboo yet so many people struggle daily fighting depression and suicidal thoughts and actions. Again, I truly believe that awareness and sharing experiences lead to helping people fight their battles more easily. If I could tell me 3 years ago how much better I feel and how big my world has gotten she would not believe me. BUT thank god I’ve lived to live my life and write this post! I will say I am still learning every day how to do that better, but that’s kind of the most beautiful thing about life! I am proud, grateful, and determined to be in a better place. If you’re reading this, I am sending lots of love and gratitude your way and I am always always here to lend support. <3 FULLY aware I may feel bad again soon but I know HEALING IS NOT LINEAR and I can feel secure enough with my recovery to know I once again will work through it. WOO!
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