Part 2 of my quick write series!
I have absolutely no idea what just happened, but I just regained a good amount of my confidence back. Did my frontal lobe fully develop before I turned 25??? Wow. It is incredible how our self-concept changes over time. From early on, like eight years old, I remember feeling like the coolest kid alive – full of confidence to perform in theater or dance. I didn’t feel phased by anything. It is so beautiful how children can go about the world in a way of being themselves and not giving a fuck about what other people think of them. However, something changes severely in middle school. I don’t know the science behind it, except puberty is a thing. It is a simple switch from getting excited to dress up in exuberant clothes in elementary school to asking your friends if they’ll wear Ugg boots or a dress with you to school in middle school. Approval and validation start occupying our brains, which makes me so sad when I really think about it. The amount of times I’ve cried because I didn’t feel good enough is bullshit! The tears did not end after middle school. Unfortunately, the feeling of inadequacy has amplified with time because the emotion has gotten deeper when it comes up. For my readers, don’t worry. I think this is the human experience, and I ride the wave of emotion when it happens (I am ok!).
Anyway, I have been through a lot in my life. Especially in the last two years – severe mental health situation, a significant breakup, graduating college, moving states, and starting a new job! Good and bad things, but all in all, I have found peace in them happening to me because I am now a much better, stronger, and healthier person for overcoming said things. However, my confidence at times has become shaky or a rollercoaster ride. For example, when I have a bad day, sometimes I worry that the bad day will turn into a more serious mental health issue because I’m just scared now that I know what can happen. AKA: my confidence in my healing journey I do not trust, so maybe this is also about trust issues, which go hand in hand. We must trust ourselves, our decision-making, and our performance to be confident. My dad told me today, “Confidence is built by doing hard things and recognizing you are successful doing hard things.” When you go through hardship or work hard at a task and come out the other side, you know you can continue the positive pattern. Life experience shapes us, fucks us up, and enlightens us. There have been downfalls and major successes, and I am constantly trying to better myself and my work. It is not easy, especially when you do not always believe you can achieve hard things, but practice makes perfect.
Wow, I haven’t even talked about body image within all of this, but I want to acknowledge its role in our confidence as well. We are conditioned to have negative body image issues for many reasons– diet culture is toxic. Recently (I hope this is not seen as flexing), I do not even feel the need to obsess about my body, which is beautiful because there have been times when that is the only thing I can think about! I still care about my body but feel differently about it – how can I fuel it correctly?
All I’m trying to say is peace is achievable with hard work. I think the fact that I feel like I have gained my confidence back today is because I had forgotten who I am (my morals, my beliefs, my hopes, and dreams), what I have overcome (life experiences), and the amount of WORK I have put into myself (through therapy, conversations with friends and family, and healthy habits). We all are works and projects, and I’m sure my confidence will get shaky again, but right now, I will run with this feeling of peace, self-love, and happiness. WOW. THIS FEELS GOOD TO TYPE! I am proud of myself.
コメント