I am starting a quick write series!
Have you ever felt like a double agent? Revealing only certain parts of yourself to specific people in certain circumstances? Well, keeping up an act is exhausting. Mental illness or exhibiting symptoms of mental illness comes in waves; different shades are shown through those waves. At the beginning of my worst, I felt like I was a prisoner in my mind. Within that mental jail, I wondered why isn't anyone helping me. How do you not know that I am not okay? I thought this because I thought it was clear how bad I was. I thought people could read my mind. Oh, how wrong I was. There is an art of covering pain. I didn't even know I was living two lives— one being my mask of who I was to almost everyone that knew me: Happy. Smiling. Giggling. Then there was the person I was when I was alone: Drained. Spiraled. Exhausted. The act never lasts. I slowly but surely unraveled. The subtle illness crept into potent madness. Something everyone could see; there was no more hiding. Displaced emotions towards people ran wild.
After experiencing an actual mental breakdown and, thankfully, recovering from it, I actively try not to put up the front anymore. Instead of the question, "How do you not know I am not okay?" I ask myself, "How can you be more honest with yourself and others?" Honesty is hardddd revealing anything personal is harddd, but it's so worth it. Now, I am clear with people when I'm not well, but appropriately. Trauma dumping is a big no for me. However, there's a way to reveal without giving too much or too little, aka the art of subtlety. Subtlety allows you to control your narrative and disclose just enough to showcase what's happening but still keep the nuances of the problem to yourself. When you are in control of subtlety, subtlety is power.
Sometimes, though, you need to spell out your feelings to people. Not everyone is a "radar baby" who can sense people's emotions. You can not assume people will notice what you are actively trying to hide. Nor can you expect them to. Most people are just thinking about themselves, which is not a negative. It's an act of survival. You can't blame someone outside of your problems for your problems. I challenge you to start discussing what's wrong with a trusted friend or family member, ideally a therapist. You can only figure out so much independently; your mind is not always your friend. Be subtle or be the opposite. You are not a burden for having issues. You are only a burden to yourself if you do not help yourself by speaking and seeking help.
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